Today I went into my backyard and something really freakish happened: I found a full grown banana squash, 8 inches long, in my garden. Total head trip.I was raised strictly in the city. Until Whole Foods started offering them on the stalk, I thought Brussel Sprouts grew underground. So, when my boyfriend wanted to start a backyard garden, I was not that enthusiastic. I kill cactus, that’s how brown my thumb is. But after planting a whole mess of stuff, scattering packs of seeds pretty much in a random pattern, we found a fantastic balance: He grows stuff, I kill stuff. It’s the perfect match. I am weed killer, hear me roar.

I have a variety of weapons I use in the weeding department, the sharper the better. I consider myself a knight of goodness, and weeds represent the evil underbelly of a balanced garden. Sometimes I just like to pull them up by hand, feeling their little roots snap as they’re wrenched from the earth. It’s creepy I know, but crusading against something is really satisfying. Yesterday I was a little overzealous and I plucked a perfectly good cucumber plant from the ground, but oh well. Collateral damage.